the one who got away
by Her Name Is Erika
Summary: The good always die young. It's like being stuck in reverse.


Everything went down, on Tuesday  
No one heard a sound  
Songs are falling down, in star light  
No one heard the sound of Tuesday,  
On Tuesday

- _Everything Went Down_, Kate Tucker & The Sons of Sweden

**I.**

Traci Abbott Connelly (formerly Carlton because Ashley is always a little **more** beautiful than her) is a perpetual optimist.

She has to be. She has to pray until God's ears burst at the seams and He just listens – after all, nobody likes the sound of a mother's heart breaking a thousand times over.

She has to wish until every star grows a little dimmer (wish Traci may, wish Traci might).

Because Traci likes to think ahead – nursing Colleen back to health and then a trip with her and Steve back to New York for a little bit is due. Grand Central Station is bustling with life and vibrancy – oh, the things mother and daughter will laugh and smile about. Colleen can tell her all about the art world that has her captivated. And Traci can tell her about a new manuscript that will maybe become a new book Steve is helping her with.

Traci can't believe her only child is brain-dead. Colleen is too strong, too tough and too stubborn for her own good and yes, she will make out of this.

"Sweetheart, I know you're in there," she whispers, sobbing. Her hand gently strokes Colleen's hair and the other lightly squeezes Colleen's hand because her daughter will squeeze back again any minute, "I know you're not gone. You're too strong for that, baby. So many people love you," Traci sniffles as she presses a light kiss on her daughter's forehead. "I love you."

The internet is crawling with stories of people who miraculously wake up from comas and survive after being declared brain-dead. Her miracle is going to happen. It has to happen.

The doctors are just wrong and maybe even liars in starch white coats with glinting Ph. D certificates nailed to their office walls (a mother's l o v e isn't rocket science, doctor), but Traci will see those beautiful blue eyes again. She'll get to hear that laugh that is so uniquely Colleen.

"I'm sorry but I think it's best if goodbyes were prepared," the doctor says morosely. She looks at all of the Abbotts and the friends that spill out in the waiting room and for a split moment is marveled at the amount of love this young woman has her way. It's a shame.

And while her job is gratifying it's this part of the job she hates: telling a desperately hopeful family that this girl won't make it and the hospital room is full of sadness, anger, and blind optimism. It's almost tangible.

The specialists are for naught and the doctor walks away to give Colleen's family time for goodbye.

**.**

Traci has to be the one with the positivity (Billy's too angry and Jack can't understand how The Moustache – their nickname, definitely not hers – is still _alive_) because her heart hurts and it's shattering. Tears are streaming down her face and she can't stop shaking. She sobs for the wedding that will never be because Brad will never walk their baby down a beautifully lined aisle. Traci won't be Mother of The Bride and dote on Colleen as she _glows_, _radiates_ and just _sparkles _in pure white.

Her heart breaks for the grandchildren that will never exist and the life that is undoubtedly flipped on its ear.

(Traci is still waiting – hoping with _everything_ she has – to wake up.)

Silently, Traci hugs Jack and prays that Brad be with Colleen and that John keep his granddaughter under his wing.

**.**

It's too soon for goodbye and too early for forever.

* * *

**II.**

Okay, fine – let's be honest.

Billy's done some questionable (read: just plain wrong and obviously Stupid with a Pinch of Impulsive) things in his twentysomething old life because he's the lovable fuck-up and the forever Abbott's asshole baby brother and the **black sheep**.

But Billy Abbott has to believe that kooky, wack-job Patty Williams actually kills the sorry son of a bitch and The Great Victor Newman can go die. He has to believe that his _best friend_ and probably the only person to understand the machinations of his brain and not judge him isn't dying.

The doctor are just bullshitting him (and Billy is way too familiar with **lies** and **deception**).

Cece's just not…brain-dead.

**.**

There's Sherlock and Watson. Then there's Bonnie and Clyde. And then there's Billy and Colleen.

(They go around kicking ass and taking names because they're awesome like that. They understand each other without even speaking like some kind of telepathy nobody really understands. Billy's the handsome smooth talker and sometimes when that doesn't work, Colleen drives the imaginary Get Away Car.)

She's supposed to always be sassy and call him, "Uncle Billy," just to annoy the hell out of him – not be like this, not today, not here (_anywherebuthere_), not ever.

**.**

Billy walks out of that hospital room, half angry and half guilty: angry because the truth is punching him in the gut (over and over and over – _makeitstop_) and guilty because he's the one with the keys of the Abbott cabin.

He doesn't believe in anything (he's been a pest to The Man Upstairs like everyone else, he's sure) expect in the fact that he sends Colleen up to Twin Lakes to _d i e_.

And it's all his fault.

**.**

"CeCe," and he's actually crying like a little bitch and needs to see his daughter, and then he'll escape to Jimmy's (it's his world, his place and everybody loves him there). Billy's gonna go drinking until he's stupidly happy, his blue eyes get glassy and this hot thing called guilt is numbed into nothing and he just can't…feel, "CeCe, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have given you the stupid keys. I'm really sorry. This is all my fault. Okay, I'm an ass and I'm walking magnet of stupid. But don't die. _Please_."

**.**

All your fault, Abbott. You gave her the keys, Billy. You f_ucking_ screw-up. You're a **mess**.

(What the hell is new?)

* * *

**III.**

Lily Winters Ashby has to believe in this fight called _ovarian cancer_ she's in because she's not battling it alone.

**.**

"I saw the future—it was a flash of it," Colleen declares with so much conviction, it stuns Lily and all she wants to do is hug her best friend tightly and thank God that she's safe. She's wet and trailing lake water into the apartment but she's okay. "I don't know how but everything will be okay."

"What?"

Colleen takes hold of her hands and her eyes are so reassuring, "Look, I saw the future and it was a flash like a little preview of what was to come," Colleen squeezes her hand lightly. "You're going to have your baby and you'll be around. You're not going anywhere," she smiles like she has all of the answers in the world in her hands, "It's gonna to be a good day, I promise. You're gonna fight this cancer and win, Lily."

And then Lily wakes up with tears in her eyes, a golden angel pin enclosed in her hand so tightly it leaves little imprints in her palms (god _forbid_ she get an infection), shaky legs that almost sprint to the door (Colleen, come back – _pleasepleaseplease_) and an overwhelming need to call her best friend back because surely this isn't a dream.

"Colleen!"

**.**

"Cane, I need to see Colleen. She's at the hospital."

Cane slides in, gently setting the cup of tea on the table. Concern flashes across his face and it's all in goodwill—God, she loves Cane because he's so worried and concerned for her but fifteen years old is so long ago. It's almost a lifetime and that's how long Lily and Colleen's friendship is. The lines blur into a sisterly bond.

(He just doesn't understand it.)

"Sweetheart, I know you're worried but the doctor said to be cautious around germs," Cane rubs her arm, soothingly. "You just got over the last infection."

Her immune system is virtually non-existent.

And Lily's starting to become accustomed to the sharp smell of antiseptic and sanitizer. She's starting to know that the hospital gowns don't come close to modeling designer dresses, forged by French designers. Basically, the white sheets are starchy and scratch against her skin but it's all for the chemo. The chemo is supposed to make her feel better – and the hot flashes are _temporary_. But Lily's going to see Colleen.

"I know I did," she replies, sure—this is the most sure Lily is of anything (it's been a while). "She's been my best friend since we were fifteen. I promise I'm fine right now and I'll even wear a mask. But I have to go see her."

Cane strokes her cheek with the pads of his thumb and then understands, so he complies.

"Okay," Cane answers, with a smile and a kiss on the forehead. "We'll go."

**.**

Lily's praying.

She's praying and clutching the golden angel pin Colleen gives her just weeks before ("My dad gave this to me to get me through when I needed help. Here," Colleen smiles a watery smile, "you take it now"). The prayers are in her head, weaving themselves in mantras of pleading and hope.

"Are you okay?" Cane glances at her for a split second and then back on the road.

Lily's a little tired of _are you okay_, and _how are you's_ now. (Appreciative and tiring: big difference)

Her soft reply of _I'm not broken, Cane_ dies on her lips so Lily plays with her hands.

"Yes."

(No.)

(Her best friend is just on the brink of dying and she's battling ovarian cancer. And she is battling with the fact that her dream of having children and carrying is a little more unreachable when she glances at a mother and her baby. That's all—everything's peachy keen.

And then the car pulls up to Genoa City Memorial and everything's not so peachy keen anymore.)

**.**

The hospital still smells like strong rubbing alcohol and disinfectant that has the cleaning power greatly multiplied. She's wearing the mask over her face and it can't hide the emotions written all over it. Colleen looks like she's sleeping—like she's having a peaceful dream and there are no hospital machines and the steady beeping (oh, good – she's alivealivealive). Lily tip-toes almost like if she walks on the glass and it cracks under her weight, Colleen will be woken up from her deep slumber because Colleen can't be on the brink of falling through death's door.

All Lily can do right now is gently grasping her hand in hers and then clasps her other hand over Colleen's (she's so cold) because she can't slip away.

"Please, don't go," Lily begs so quietly, it comes out like a lightly exhaled breath.

**.**

Lily looks down at her best friend and for a split second feels something like a squeeze back but it's all false hope. Her eyes are shiny with unshed tears and it's days like this she misses her mom the most.

(Oh, Drucilla – Lily needs you.)

**.**

This can't be it. This can't be The End. Colleen is not the one to throw in the towel and go with the grain. It's not over. It's because of her best friend that Lily is given a renewed sense of hope no matter how faint or small it is.

"Colleen," Lily says, hands still over the occupant in the hospital bed, "I know you came to me. It wasn't a dream. You told me I'd be alive to be a mother and I believe you," she adds, softly, "I believe everything you tell me because I trust you. And I love you," Lily lets a tear slip out against her will, voice breaking. "Because I love you, I'll _fight_. I'll fight this cancer for the both of us now. I promise."

Pressing a kiss to Colleen's forehead, Lily throws the Germ Caution in the wind.

**.**

Lily Winters Ashby has to believe that this isn't **the last time** she'll _ever_ see Colleen.

* * *

**IV. **

Jack Abbott knows a lot of things but at the same time is sure of _one_ thing: he hates Victor Newman.

He hates Mister Mumbles with a fiery passion. It's something that runs deep, raw and is of legendary proportions. Everybody who's _anybody_ in Good Ol' Genoa City knows (like knowing the sky is blue and the sun sets in the East).

He also sure that Patty's bullets are his for the taking all over again but Victor takes them for him. Jack should be thankful but he's too angry, too confused, too pissed off to comprehend it.

Jack tries to save his niece. God, he tries. Her breathing is shallow and she's wet and unconscious. Not to mention the shiny black gun directly pointed at him.

("You mentally damaged Patty by cheating on her so she _shot_ you?" Phyllis deducts, feeling kind of cheated because he isn't honest with her either. "I asked you about those scars our _entire_ marriage.")

Colleen is brain-dead and that bastard gets a second shot. His beautiful nice with her entire life mapped out in front of her and ready to live is just cut short. Traci and Ashley are falling apart at the seams because Traci loses her child and Ashley loses her sanity and really, Jack is tired of trying to rein his baby brother in.

It's just cruel fate screwing him over (retrospect: it's not all about him). And Nick and Paul Williams have to physically restrain him from evening the score.

But still, the injustice is so wrong, Jack can't stand it.

**.**

Jack isn't a believer in karma until now. A fraction of blame is his. He can at least acknowledge that much. Victor is going to have to carry the rest of it until it (hopefully) kills him.

(Oh, we're all going to Hell. Isn't it grand?)

**.**

He thinks about what can be and the son Nikki miscarries. He'd be a teenager by now, at least hitting seventeen and learning to drive. Victor and Colleen match because she wants to be an organ donor. Victor needs a heart he never has to begin with. Jack thinks about his son with Nikki, John Abbott III, and how he's alive for a short moment before he dies and saves another person's life through organ donation.

Maybe it's the fact that he respects Nikki even when he's the enabling husband and Jack just wants to save her from the bottle. And maybe because he has this thing close to love for Nicholas and Victoria (he just saves her life from drowning, that's all). And maybe, it's because Jack is starting to get that sinking, gnawing feeling when Dad dies the same way (note: two strokes and Gloria is still like nails on a chalkboard).

But Nikki is ambling into the hospital room asking that the Abbotts actually save Victor's life. Her eyes are wide and pleading. It's almost like she's begging.

It feels like a checkamate –

(But here's something you should know: Jack isn't bad at chess, but he's never been a chess kind of man anyway.)

**.**

"Do you ever think of our son, Jack?"

Heartbeat. Glance. Sigh.

"All the time, Nikki."

(Jack ponders about Keemo and Kyle too.)

"You know—it was heartbreaking as a mother to watch him die but," Nikki pauses, "out of his death, lives were saved."

Jack stares straight ahead. He knows what the answer to her proposition is, "I know."

He finds himself, eye-to-eye with Nikki as she speaks, "Please, put this feud aside and do you what you know is right."

**.**

Sometimes, Billy reminds Jack of a young him and it's like looking into a mirrored time machine (same smile, same eyes, same brain patterns).

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Billy seethes. "Please tell me you're going to give me the punchline because Colleen's heart isn't going to _Victor_."

It's the right thing to do. Colleen would want to save somebody's life even if it's the same person who set Patty Williams loose, armed with money, a glowing resume and a new face.

(also known as Mary Jane Benson—the woman he has sex with before Mary Jane is blonde—PattyPattyPatty—and clutching a cat closely to her, eyes childlike and naïve like when they first meet all those years ago.)

"It's the right thing to do," Jack says, jaw set and sounding so stern he almost believes himself. "It's a terrible situation. This is the last thing we want but it's out of our hands, Billy!"

"CeCe wouldn't want the best part of her to go to scum!"

Oh, The Moustache is Scum of the Earth—that's Jack's manta even when they do team up but it's his baby sister who makes the decision with the pen as it shakes her grasp and she ends her only child's life. She's crying, sobbing into the blue consent form while her signature becomes partly smeared with her own tears and Steve is rubbing her shoulders.

"Look at Traci. This is affecting her more than anybody."

"Okay," Billy replies, understanding only slightly. "Look, I get it—if anything ever happened to my daughter, it would destroy me. But you know better than anyone. Ashley was trapped in Alcatraz while the man allowed his demon spawn to nearly drive her insane," he gives a hollow laugh, "and yet, everyone thinks Victor's worth something when he isn't."

It's too late to object to anything.

Even though his pride screams, yells and kicks around in his head and this just goes against _everything_ he believes in.

"I love Colleen as much as you do," Jack affirms, truthfully so Billy actually understands (actually, _honest to God_ gets it but it's by a long shot). "But my hands are tied. That's the reality of the matter."

He remembers, begging and pleading with Patty (and he never does it with her but God, Colleen is slipping away and wet. And Colleen losing her life is wrong.

And the sound of three shots going past him and directly to Victor and then the sight of him slowly collapsing and no longer standing high and mighty will be etched in Jack's psyche—one of the few reminders that The Black Knight actually, seriously human and has a weakness.

("She's a good kid, Patty! Please," he begs, his own father's shiny gun being turned on him, "if you want to deal with me, that's okay but she's barely breathing. If you want to hurt me, you can, but let me try to save her. She doesn't deserve this, Patty.")

"Your hands may be tied," Billy shoots back, "not mine, Jack. I'm not letting this happen."

Mac only looks at him, as if to say she gets it, and essentially gets Billy when he's _like this_ - she walks in the direction he storms off in.

**.**

In a twisted, convoluted sense, Victor Newman saves his life and it's something Jack Abbott will grateful for and haunted by all in the same sitting.

**.**

Jack knows a lot of things but learns one new thing: his pride is extra bitter to swallow and keep down, _especially_ today.

* * *

**V.**

Abby Carlton (read: biologically Newman, she understands that) doesn't know how to feel.

**.**

Colleen is the responsible big sister and she's just the little sister trying to find her way—duh, she's just a teenager trying to break away from being a little girl and doing or listening (_sometimes both_) what mommy and daddy (VictorVictorVictor) always have to say. Her poor sister is brain-dead and gone, Abby thinks and she just has to go. Colleen's her best friend and probably the one who knows all of her secrets—all the things she could never tell Ashley or Victor.

Nobody knows how it feels like lose Daddy (BradBradBrad) as he falls through the ice to save Noah's life (she'll keep heaping the blame on Eden). Nobody knows how it feels to just stand at his grave underneath a frigid Wisconsin air as it snows, hold each other so the other doesn't slip away and just silently cry together because it's just Abby&Colleen – sisters until the very end.

And Abby clutches the white stuffed bear with the red heart Colleen gives her as a baby, crying because really, she's not ready for _the end_.

She's _prepared_ not to watch her big sister slip through the cracks like Daddy does.

**.**

That Patty Williams is a psycho freak (read: the epitome of psychotic) and her brother Adam doesn't _do_ anything to her in particular but the way he just lurks around the house and the Ranch gives her the creeps. She keeps hearing that her dad is the one who brings Patty Williams to town and Abby understands that she is walking, breathing proof of that stupid Newman-Abbott feud (half Newman and half Abbott) but she's a Carlton because Brad is her dad too.

But Abby is hearing that Patty coming into Genoa City is her dad's fault and it's just not too true—not when Nick and Victoria are lightly hugging her in the middle because Abby has to come terms with being the kid sister. Victor (definition: powerful, strong) is just laying there weak, helpless and about to die.

No, it's not true.

**.**

Abby has a joke with her dad, the one when he's Superman and can stop bullets everywhere, no matter how fast they come and no matter how hard they hit. When she watches her parents get married in the living room, Abby smiles because maybe her mom is his Lois Lane and everything can be okay. And normal.

But no—normal, according to Abby, is too much to ask for.

(_Nikki was always Lois Lane anyway._)

**.**

"Hello, Abby," Victor wheezes and Abby is happy he's okay but she's afraid to come closer for fear of setting something off and breaking him (how can anyone break the unbreakable?).

"Hey Superman," she comes closer, and gently takes his hand so he knows she's here. Victor squeezes lightly. Abby smiles a wry smile, eyes misting over. "How many times have I told you not to try stopping bullets with your chest?"

Victor is so weak but manages speak back with a hint of humour, "Don't remind me."

Her smile gets a little less wry and worried, a little more hopeful (maybemaybemaybe).

**.**

Abby just wishes Colleen would wake up and talk too because Colleen can't be brain-dead. She needs her big sister back they could laugh at the drama over at _The Hills_, cry over romantic movies like _The Notebook and_ _Titanic_ or huddle together underneath a blanket and peek through their fingers at a slasher film.

Colleen has a secret love affair with them—just like art and history.

_She promises_, Abby thinks while her Converse All-Star clad feet take careful steps along the pristine white hallways of Genoa City Memorial. Still, she clutches that white bear. They'll have a sleepover and Colleen can pick the next movie. And Abby will suck it up and try not to scream as much while Colleen smiles, hugging her ("It's just a movie," she'd say, eyes glinting with excitement, "And besides, the blood and gore is the best part, Abby.").

Abby will pretty much do anything to get her sister back—and things to the way they once are.

(Daddy doesn't freeze, drown and die. Big sister doesn't drown and progressively die in the exact same lake. The End.)

* * *

**VI.**

"Ash?"

Ashley tears her gaze away from the bassinet labeled BABY GIRL NEWMAN to see her brother, Jack. He hugs her lightly, before she pulls away because she's still tired.

"Hi Jackie."

"They told me you had a baby last night," Jack explains, before glancing the new addition and really, Ashley doesn't feel like this since Abby is born; Brad is proud and near proud and Ashley is carrying this big, heavy secret in her heart (guiltpridesadnessrelief). Like mother, like daughter, because Dina—Ashley can never call her Mother—makes it so Brent Davis is her biological father, but _Daddy_ is John Abbott.

"Yeah, isn't she beautiful?"

Jack glances and smiles at down at his sleeping niece, "Yeah. Her _Abbott_ genes are strong."

"Jack, Victor is the father of my children," she admonishes (technically, she's still married to him). "The least you could do is keep your snide remarks to yourself."

"I thought hearing Colleen being declared brain-dead was enough."

Ashley's eyes widen.

"What?"

Jack sighs, and it's so heavy and this isn't right. It just isn't right. The Moustache is freaking disease.

"Colleen was brought in last night, Ash. She was kidnapped by Patty," Jack explains, taking a pause and she can't tell whether it's Jack being angry or if it's genuine sadness actually threatening break through the hard, vengeful surface, "until I got a call from Patty and I heard Colleen yell, 'Cow!' I ran down there to Camp Cheveho as fast as I could with Paul and JT. I really did. And by the time I got there, I found Colleen floating face-down in the lake. I pulled her out, but who knows how long she was down there for. "

"No," Ashley breathes, instantly knowing because they're family. "I need to see Traci. Where is she?"

"Anyway," Jack continues, "it was between me trying to avoid another bullet by Patty while trying to save Colleen's life. Patty shot Victor instead and that's why he's here to begin with."

**.**

(and that is the exactly moment, Ashley gets tired of wearing that ring and thoughts of divorce from Victor plague her head with her big brother and their new baby daughter in the room.)

**.**

"Hello, Mrs. Newman," the brunette nurse, Elaine, comes in. "I'm just gonna check you and the baby out today."

(Deep down—she's just Ashley Abbott.)

"No, I'm fine. And the baby is fine."

"But Mrs. Newman, the doctor will be here any minute and the check up won't be invasive. It's very minor, I assure you."

Ashley shakes her head, "I said I'm fine," she looks to Jack for back-up, "Jack, I'm fine. Don't look at me like that. You know I have to see them. I'm in the right mind, I promise you."

Jack sighs while the poor nurse looks confused, "Hey, look, we'll go see everybody. Billy's around and maybe somewhere deep down he'll understand. Mac or Katherine will probably get him to—but at least, let me help you. Just for safety reasons, Ashley."

Ashley opens her mouth to protest and she doesn't want to leave Faith here all by herself. But she needs to see her family (and Victor because her brother is only one half of a feud that just has to end and half of a _momentous_ blame.)

"Okay," she complies and asks the nurse, Elaine, to watch over her baby closely before Ashley takes hesitant steps out of her maternity room with Jack.

**.**

Ashley Abbott is fed up—with this stupid feud, this feud that seems to be going in circles and someone _always_ ending being hurt in the crossfire. Victor is out of surgery now and Colleen is fighting for a life that seems to be just starting to go somewhere.

All Colleen wants is to honour Brad's legacy and make her dad proud.

Now, Brad's vacant seat on the Newman Broad of Directors doesn't look so promising and maybe, Victor passively manipulates her into saying _yes_.

**.**

This time, her beautiful niece, Colleen, is caught in the crossfire and it sends ripples (_shockwaves and then the sonicBOOM_).

**. **

Ashley Abbott stares down at this new baby girl sometimes in the silence of the hospital room and goodness, she's beautiful.

She doesn't remember the pain too much and she doesn't remember the moment of Faith – she chooses that name because one can never have too much – coming into the world but still, Ashley misses that new baby smell and seeing ten little fingers and toes, combined with that face—these eyes don't see evil and don't know about the bad, evil things in this big world.

Faith is just all innocence and _all hers_.

But sometimes, she thinks of Robert. Ashley likes visualizing a little boy with Brad's dark hair and smile, combined with her eyes (maybe). Sometimes, Ashley sees the yellow blanket that is wet from her tears of disbelief, denial and…insanity because her heart and mind refuses to digest that fact that her little baby boy, Robert, is gone and never takes a breath (nonononono…).

But every life lost, Ashley hears one day, one is created—oh, the coincidence of giving birth at the same time as _this_.

(But why must _this_ life full of potential be lost and carried away with the wind?)

.

She sees Traci and there's just a lot of tears, sobbing ("What am I going to do without her, Ashley?") and crying while the sisters just hold onto each other for dear life because no words need to be said. Ashley and Traci just hug and cry in the hospital hallway like Jack isn't watching his family just unravel. Abby runs down the hallway, tears staining her cheeks and her cheeks rosy to join the fold ("Mom! My sister's dead!"). Fresh sobs escape Abby, Traci's heart splinters because Colleen is her baby, and Ashley is just hurt.

They all hurt and bleed and maybe in some way, the Newmans contribute to the cesspool of hurt because Victor is the father of her children and their relationship is based _once upon a time_ and _happily ever after_.

(Here's something Ashley Abbott learns: there are no such things are fairy tales.)

* * *

**VII. **

If you are to casually ask Kevin Fisher five years ago, where he sees himself five years ahead, he'd merely stare and feel even more insignificant than he already does—just headed to a destination called Absolutely Nowhere, that's all.

When he hears something thrown at him and etched into his psyche so many times, he starts to believe it and see that as truth. Everyone in Genoa City hates him, sees as a freak and essentially dangerous because everyone says so and it's right. It's truth. It's right. It's law.

Five years ago, he's just the timid, shy bookkeeper at Bobby Marsino's strip club.

(He doesn't mean to leave that scar of Brittany Hodges' face—really; Kevin doesn't electrically the wire the stripper pole so Brittany would get hurt. He swears.)

But now—he's the owner of _Crimson Lights_. Michael is the brother that trusts him and they have a pretty good relationship because Gloria is their mother and well, enough said (note: it's the Unspoken Rule—Bros Before…Mom, yeah, the Baldwin-Fisher rulebook needs revising).

Lauren goes from the obsessed object of a crush that isn't reciprocated to the awesome sister-in-law and still Fen remains the Undisputed Champion of Oreo Cookie Poker—the kid's a natural.

Really, people don't hate him as much and not so directly anymore and Kevin is trying not to break the law (it's never intentional these days).

Daniel is his best friend, Amber is endearingly crazy _just like him_ and Jana is his wife, best friend and the yin to his yang—something only she says. He won't comment on that Ouija board. Sometimes, he's a skeptic and sometimes, he believes. Who really knows if the dead speak? But there's this connection between them when they're in the same room and when they're away.

(And that's love; the ashram says it all.)

**.**

Kevin remembers when Colleen hates him so much because of what he does to Lily and it makes him so angry and that gross, disgusting feeling in his stomach he only gets with Terrible Tom comes out (the closet is so dark that it's almost tangible and scary that he can't breathe and _pleasepleaseplease let me out!)_ because Terrible Tom calls him a good-for-nothing crybaby. And tells him that Kevin is worthless and useless. People look at like a social pariah like the Leper of Genoa City and Terrible Tom only laughs at him. It's all over him, winding, twisting and spreading everywhere and it's **not** true (goawaygoawaygoaway).

Even after Kevin lures her into that cold refrigerator and tries to incinerate _Gina's_ with Colleen in it (the whiskey burns and goes down nicely—the embers are beautiful), she's one of the few people to forgive him and see that he has a good person inside of him.

And Colleen is one of the few to see that maybe he's not as _broken_ and _cracked_.

**.**

It's not right that Colleen's here.

And that's all Kevin has to say about it without getting headache from wrapping his head around the details. There's something about a kidnapping, an attempt from Colleen to actually help her kidnapper and a drowning.

Now Colleen's here.

(Kevin never really gets to express his gratitude one of the first people who makes him feel like he's actually worth it now. It's about time he fixes that.)

**.**

He's sitting down and he's never been this nervous.

Colleen's family hates him (read: The Kevin Fisher and The Billy Abbott Mutual Animosity Saga—at least, Jana has a horrible time on that thing that is supposed to be a date) and people who love her still are wary of him. Understandable, considering Gloria marries John and shoots it all to Hell.

"I remember when you hated me so much because of what I did to Lily because you were her best friend," Kevin says, keeping his eyes averted—the glances are not directly at her. But Kevin thinks he should probably look. Some days, Kevin feels like he hasn't paid his debt but mostly things are okay for him and he's really content with himself deep down.

It's too quiet in here—oh, there's the sound of the ventilator and the steady beeping of the machine.

Kevin sighs, gazing at Colleen. It looks like she's just sleeping.

"I'm sorry this happened to you," he says, with a slight smile, "but the world would be a crappier place without you in it so get better. And thank you—thank you, Colleen."

.

Kevin doesn't know where the next five years will take him but he knows he won't be judged and that his life currently right now is at a good place.

* * *

**VIII.**

JT Hellstrom is happily married to Victoria (façadeandsmiletilithurts) and he wonders what the hell happens to them. He wonders what the hell happens to their cohesiveness and understanding. JT questions how in the beginning, their relationship is secret (and like anything because Victoria is sexy, amazing, and another man's wife) and then it whittles away to something that is faded and non-existent.

(But he loves Reed so much and his heart so just so big around him.)

They're in tune and understand each other before Restless Style and Deacon Sharpe ever happens. But he's sitting here at Colleen's bedside feeling guilty because of that voicemail that he accesses a little too late. He's a Private Investigator, JT should know. He should be aware and just be on top of these things.

People get kidnapped all the time. It's a horrendous thought but it's there and it's true.

And then the answer to his pondering and all the questions come.

It all starts when Victor hires a spy to check up on him and Colleen—there hasn't been a JT&Colleen in a while, not since drifting into a Friend Zone that is kind of new and ultimately becoming Mr. Victoria Newman.

Maybe Colleen shouldn't lean in and kiss him like they're teenagers and young (and in love) but JT isn't sure if he regrets kissing her back and falling into jasmine scented shampoo, soft brown locks that fit perfectly fisted in his light grasp. And vanilla-tasting lip gloss that he hasn't tasted in a while.

(marriagefaithfulnesshonesty—stop)

JT pulls away, kind of dazed and Colleen's eyes are wide and there are questions looping in both of their heads.

"Um, Colleen," JT says, running a hand through his hair. He's trying with everything in his body not to act shell-shocked, "I'm sorry—I shouldn't have kissed you back."

Colleen remains planted on Brad's couch and plays with her fingers, "I know. I shouldn't have kissed you to begin with but," she blushes, and says with so much unwavering truth, "I don't regret it. I still have feelings for you."

"I'm married."

"I know."

JT doesn't know what to say afterwards so Colleen gives him that smile of hers and wordlessly leads him to the front door.

(Here's something JT has also known: with Colleen, they never need to actually talk—the silence speaks volumes.)

**.**

JT remembers when Colleen dates Adrian Korbel.

Just don't ask him about it.

(Oh, it's just this mess where Colleen sleeps with her art professor and still even when with both Mackenzie and Victoria, Colleen always seems to be at the forefront of his brain.)

**.**

This is Colleen Carlton at her best—only Colleen is bold enough to do this:

(even though Victoria is his wife, his life companion until death do they part and they're supposed to be together forever and a day.)

"Don't you want my husband, Colleen?" Victoria questions, sounding like her father—the high powered executive groomed by Daddy to have the business world left in the palm of her manicured hands and the rest on their knees. But most days, she's Reed's mother—she makes him chocolate chip cookies on weekends, reads him a bedtime story every night and softly sings London Bridge while he sleeps.

JT is trying to hold on to what is his wife.

But that picture of that kiss is the Elephant in The Ranch.

"So, what if I do?"

Victoria bristles, lightly throwing her clutch on Brad's couch.

"Are you after my husband? I am asking you point blank."

Colleen doesn't back down but merely looks Victoria Newman in the eye ("I'm not scared of your wife, JT."), turns on that attitude that never really left her.

All Colleen does is stare back at Victoria (she doesn't _even_ blink), "Yes. Yes, I am."

**.**

"Thank you for coming," Traci tells him when they're alone and it's a rare moment. Her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes and the light in them is a little dimmer. "She cared for you a lot and now my daughter was—is truly loved."

JT sticks his hands in the pockets of his jeans. It's just tiring, especially when his wife and in-laws are across the hall and Reed is with Gabby. He can't help but be resentful of Victor right now, as this is his twisted masterpiece—letting Patty Williams loose on this town.

He smiles, tight-lipped and JT nods.

"Yeah, a lot of people care – including me."

Traci nods like she knows. A mother knows, "You don't have to tell me anything," a pause and the air feels stale and like it's sucked out of the room. "I think having you talk to her will help."

"Thank you."

Traci lightly brushes in understanding in understanding and walks away.

.

People always sent to turn to prayer as a last resort.

JT mumbles something quiet and generic. Maybe it's something along the lines of getting coffee or getting air. But Victoria buys it and he walks briskly around Memorial and finds himself at the hospital chapel.

He's not a religious man and Martha Hellstrom would frown. JT wants to pray and say all of these things on his mind, God most likely knows but he can't (breathe in, breathe out).

This thing in his chest feels like heartbreak.

JT has never actually cried before. Sure, he's been angry, sad, confused and maybe, a little happy.

But he's never actually cried before.

(Colleen has always made him come pretty damn close.)

**.**

JT hugs Victoria and it's the one of the few times Victoria's absolutely, completely insecure.

.

Remember when JT is an asshole and doesn't give two shits about the girls he dates? Remember when JT is just in a relationship long enough to _hit it then quit it_? Remember when he meets that spunky and sweet sophomore fresh from New York, hiding with a baggie of weed as she tried to get stoned? And yes, he can use this as leverage against Billy Abbott but Colleen cries and he can't do it. Remember the hushed calls from New York until two in the morning because she doesn't get into trouble but Colleen can't stand to be away from Genoa City and _you, JT_.

Remember when people actually paying attention to his music and maybe, this music thing isn't quite bad. Maybe Hollywood and fame aren't as evil as he once thinks. But he's having a bit too much fun on a music video set (it's just work, babe) and a reporter catches him saying (slip of the tongue, that's all) he's single and doesn't have a girlfriend. Remember when Colleen, heartbroken, leaves him and goes back to New York?

"You're talented and your music actually says something," Colleen admits with a smile, and eyes that have heartbreak, sadness and tears in them, "but I'm not going to be in the way anymore. _Goodbye_."

Remember when Colleen came back wanting to start all over (ohhellothere) and start finish like it's a whole new time and it's been way too long. But he's with Mac now, and he's going to be a father. Oh, but Mac depends on Kevin Fisher and loses the baby – he's right here – so he sleeps with Victoria. Remember when JT rescues her yet again (iloveyousomuch) and yet, still chooses the art professor?

Remember that?

Yeah, he does—he remembers when he can't love her like a little sister anymore and is attracted to her (oh, that Abbott playhouse). Suddenly, JT writes songs and odes with his notebook filled and other reminders in the margins. He remembers serenading her with two songs, he writes when he can't sleep, _Feel _(happy sixteenth birthday, Colleen) and _When You Say Nothing At All_.

And when he cheats with Brittany Hodges' mother, JT writes more songs and plays guitar until he loses his guitar picks and his fingers hurt.

JT remembers their talks at Crimson Lights, as his fiancé lays comatose and pregnant from that Clear Springs accident. Colleen merely smiles and places a hand over his possibly shaking one because Victoria and the baby could die (it's his son, not Brad's deep down). But JT looks into Colleen's eyes and knows everything is going to be okay—that Victoria will wake up and the right decision will be made.

He remembers holding Colleen when Brad dies from saving Noah Newman. She's sobbing and snowflakes are in her hair, a blanket of snow covering Brad's car.

(Calming Colleen and holding her never feels more natural than this.)

**.**

She's drunk and the whole world knows what her breasts look like.

"You're always saving me," Colleen slurs as JT sort of carries her out of Jimmy's and into his car because she can't drive. It's common sense. "You're married and—and I still love you. I'm all broke."

And then she giggles.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid me," she sort of sings, "I'm going to Hell for being a homewrecker."

JT glances at her, making sure she's secure and sighs, "You're not broken, Coll."

(They've just changed and he wakes up and realizes nothing's really the same ever again. That's all.)

**.**

Remember that time when they get back together for the final time and JT becomes a Private Investigator while they live together now and Colleen is begging and pleading for honesty and truth.

Secret and lies are _poison_.

**.**

Do you remember, JT?

Let's go back to when he is actually happy.

**.**

Memories of Colleen play in his head as he sleeps like an old black and white movie on continuous loop. JT tosses and turns all night in his bed until he wakes up, swearing to Victoria he hears Reed having a nightmare and needs to check on him.

Instead, JT stays up all night and watches the Genoa City sunrise, thinking about the old Abbott playhouse.

**.**

Colleen's hand is cold.

It's cold against his own skin. Her monitor beeps and her chest rises and falls with every puff of oxygen the ventilator gives her. It keeps her alive for a moment—and that's all JT needs. Colleen looks like she's doing something as napping.

JT is finding it incredibly hard to accept that Colleen is actually brain dead and really, gone.

He will never hear her laugh, see her smile or see her around being _just friends_ with what is really the cleverly hidden (it won't _ever _be hidden) Elephant Between Them. He strokes the back of her head softly with the pads of his thumb without realizing it.

Maybe soulmates do exist and everyone on Earth is destined to have someone solely for them.

(There are a lot of maybes, and what ifs but here's something JT has to come to terms with: maybe JT & Colleen's story never ends to begin with.)

**.**

Maybe—but the world definitely looses one of the good guys today.

**.**

JT continues to hold her hand in his left and gently brush the wisps of brown hair out of her face with his right. He sort of empathizes with Sleeping Beauty and the entire concept.

(Now, Colleen has to do is just wake up.)

**.**

That night, Victoria tells him that Victor's heart is too far gone to salvage, and that only a transplant can save him now.

"And Colleen is a perfect match. The Abbotts agreed."

JT lets out a long breath he must be holding. Everything is already tense so why add to it now?

"That's progress. That's good."

Right?

(Chalk it up to Victor Newman Related Apathy but his father-in-law, and the grandfather Reed adores so much, getting a dose of karma is good. And _that's progress_.)

.

All JT does is hold onto her hand again and lightly stroke it (he knows what he's doing this time).

It can't be over. This can't be the final curtain call.

Oh, but it is and life sucks.

He stands and leans in, planting a gentle kiss on her forehead, "Goodbye, Sweetheart," and his cherry on top is getting everything out in the open—everything weighing on him with so pressure and force, it throws him for a bit. He whispers in her ear like it's a secret and Colleen will never let go of it. God, she can't let go (_foreverandalways_)

"I never stopped loving you, Colleen," he says, swallowing thickly, "I always will. I'd choose you. I would have choosen you."

**.**

(If only JT can see the woman he's **supposed **to love, looking back dejected through the small window in the door. Victoria Newman is experiencing what it feels like being on the outside looking in.)

**.**

JT Hellstrom is heartbroken over the one that slips through and got away.

* * *

**IX.**

There's water everywhere.

Colleen Carlton is struggling to breathe, struggling to survive, just struggling to exist.

Her lungs burn, precious air being taken away from her too soon and there's just water, water, water.

(Until everything freezes in an explosion of underwater black and it consumes her whole.)

.

There's water in the familiar faces of everyone who loves her.

Mom, Uncle Billy, Abby, Aunt Ashley and Uncle Jack (what's Victor doing here? nothereplease), Lily with all of her hair—she's going to be okay, Kevin (he's good now), and JT—goodness, sometimes she tries _Colleen Hellstrom_ on size even though she'll never wear it now and the pretty white dress. Lily will be her maid of honour and her wedding is a beautiful figment of her imagination now.

(No!)

Daddy glances at her and smiles, _It's gonna be okay, sweetie_, and grips her hand.

"I'll take it from here," Granddad says and Colleen feels warm, and loved and so secure she can't feel scared and panicked anymore. It's strange and comfortable. Daddy holds her left hand and Granddad smiles, gently talking her right hand, comfortably in his.

The light is bright all over here and swallows her up until she loses her senses and Colleen Carlton breaks the thick barrier between Earth and whatever is Out There.

It's a beautiful, beautiful place.

Colleen loves _them_ soso much (_crossmyheart_).

.

_Please, don't forget_.

**.**

So, this is how it must feel to die.

* * *

**X.**

_The good _**always**_ die young._

(Fin.)

* * *

**A/N: After weeks and weeks of writing and research, this beautiful monster is now done. Please listen to the song, I've put up there, it'll really help you get into the mood. If you feel like, it's going backwards or it's disjointed, I did that on purpose to capture their heads at that particular moment. **

**I hope I got the characters right. It's my first time and there's always room for improvement. I think my favourite character and the one I feel most character with is Billy and surprisingly, Traci. In the meantime, I'm trying to pound out something Chloe-centric because let's face it, the girl is freaking complex – and I lovelovelove a challenge. Chloe/Kevin? Um, yes – please. For the love of God, PLEASE!**

**Everything belonged to CBS, by the way and the end in italics is a spin on a quote by John Barrymore. I thought it fit perfectly. I'm tempted to do a Newman character study but I'm not down with Team Newman right now, with the exception of Adam because as evil as he is, anyone who can rattle Victor is a genius and he's smarter than Nick, by FAR, Victoria because she's an Abbott now (HELL. YES. Even Billy Miller ships Villy, so haters fall back!) and Abby because she's on a good list now. You sue Daddy and maybe, Vance and Jill can do the humpty-dumpty sometime soon? PLEASE.**

**Um, I've rambled too much. I'm sorry – if there are typos. I'm freaking exhausted from work and school and life, so a thousand apologies, guys. **

**REVIEW. **

**-Erika**

**PS. I'll be cross posting on Sinful Desires and anywhere Y&R related if you guys want.**


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